Time, take me away cause I can barely hold on

lunes, 30 de septiembre de 2013

My brother's keeper

Hace ya casi un año que vino al mundo el ultimo de mis hermanos, César.
Recuerdo aun el dia que yo estaba en el concierto de seether cuando me llamaron para decir que estaba a punto de nacer, y aun no me lo creo.
Recuerdo tambien el momento en el que le cogi por primera vez, y desde ese momento sin ninguna razon le quise mas que a nada en el mundo, y segun ha ido creciendo le he querido mas y mas, nunca habia visto tanta alegria en nadie, esa sonrisa que hacia que todo se me olvidara y que solo pensara en protegerle y cuidarle por el resto de mi vida pase lo que le pase.
Y sin darme cuenta ese pequeñajo me ha dado las fuerzas que necesitaba para salir del agujero donde estaba metida y luchar por mi, por el y por quien haga falta.

21 años es mucha diferencia y no es lo normal entre hermanos pero me alegro de que asi sea porque me ha dado razones para ser una mejor persona para el, no una cascara vacia y triste, se merece mucho mas que eso, y por eso tengo un 28 en mi brazo, porque esa pequeña vida me dio vida a mi tambien, por mucho que lo intente es inexplicable el sentimiento que tengo cuando se rie a carcajadas conmigo, o cuando me ve sonrie y viene hacia mi o simplemente cuando me da la mano, nunca habia sentido algo asi, esa necesidad de protegerle, de ser su particular angel de la guarda
y asi lo sere, estoy segura de que sera un niño muy alegre y muy fuerte y no necesitara mi ayuda para nada sino al reves pero por si acaso ahi estara la cazurra pelimorada de su hermana para ayudarle en lo que necesite y guiarle en la medida de lo posible
Y no os imaginais lo feliz que me hace escribir esto

Te quiero cesitar <3 nbsp="" p="">

lunes, 23 de septiembre de 2013

TRUTH

Truth be told, I dont like who i've become these days and I decided that I had to change not for me but for the few people that cares about me, they deserve better than that, so im kicking out all the poison(and by poison I mean people and habits) that my life has

Besides I have a new kitty now, I named her Violet after the character in american horror story, and because I've always loved that name and it is also my hair color, so I have a new life to take care of, she needed me and boy did I needed her, she brings me lots of happines just by being there waiting in my room when I get home.

So I now I have a long road ahead of me, I know I will make mistakes again, that this isn't gonna be easy but im done surviving, I want to live, not for me but for those who love me, that's more than enough to keep me in this world.

I've changed, this has been by far the worst year in my life, but im done feeling sorry for myself, I don't want self-pity I want to be a warrior as it is written on my wrist

Beating mental ilnesses is hard, but it can be done, it will be done, and I do hate myself but i dont want to harm anyone else but me

So be prepared for a new me, I'm not saying that Im gonna be recovered in a couple days, but im taking baby steps and I have to let people help me instead of hiding inside my head.


Also I wanted to talk about other stuff, today would be my second anyversary with my last boyfriend, sadly we broke up this year and we barely talk, we can pretend we are friends but its just that, pretending
My heart got so fucking beaten up with this and all the "relationships" I had after that that it stoped being a beating heart, now its a locker with thorns with some things still inside that only a few people are able to see them, but when they do, they dont need a key
So i got that tattoed on my chest and i cherish it very much
As they say in the movie saw, i have to apreciate my life, and even if i dont now i will  find a way to learn how to do it.
I'm not gonna lie Im very scared of this and pretty much of everyone i know, im afraid of getting hurt im afraid of loving, and im afraid of losing...but pain is what makes you feel you're alive isnt it?...